I had an article almost done for my Tuesday post. but as I was writing it, I really wasn’t feeling it. Not that it was bad or I didn’t care for the topic. It just wasn’t hitting me in the feels this time. I want all my readers to know, although I’ve always been honest, I haven’t been raw. I push positivity all the time but I want you to know, my life is FAR from perfect. I’m not always positive. I struggle, too. I have bad mental health days. And lately, I’ve been having those bad mental health days more and more. I think at some point, we all have a hard time during the holidays. Weather its financially, mentally, physically. There are so many different things that make the holidays hard.
Holidays are reminders
Holidays are reminders of good and bad times. This has to be one of the biggest reasons we have hard times during the holidays. Its supposed to be a time where every one gets together to have a good time. But for me, its just an ugly reminder of those who aren’t here anymore. Its an ugly reminder that my family is so dysfunctional that I have to arrange multiple gatherings because I don’t want to leave any one out. And if I didn’t arrange these gatherings, no one would get together. Its a thorny crown, but some one has to wear it.
And the memories. Oh, those bitter sweet memories that come at you like a fucking train and hit you out of no where. Of course, I try to think of only the good times I’ve had with those I miss. But it just makes me miss them more. So I try to push it out of my mind. But it comes in waves. Most of the times the waves are small and I can handle it. But sometimes the waves wash over me and make me feel like I’m drowning.
Oh and the cabin fever
This winter has been worst for cabin fever. The pandemic has us all locked away in our homes with nothing to do and no where to go. I can’t even go to the gym for a break. I can’t sit down at the coffee shop for a change of view while I write. I’m slowly losing inspiration to keep going.
But I do it anyways. I keep going. I keep pushing. I’ve been trying to find new ways to beat this cabin fever. I’m trying. We went to the city over the weekend. Into a different state so we could sit down and have a nice meal. After that my spouse and I finished the entry way floor. Oh and that’s another thing…
I’m forcing myself to stay busy
It’s my way of keeping my mind preoccupied. So the sad, painful thoughts don’t creep in and take over. But by trying to keep myself busy, something else is happening…
I’m overwhelming myself and getting anxoius
I just can’t seem to win. But I keep trying, I keep fighting. I didn’t come this far to only come this far. But, damn it, there are so many days I want to give up.
“Is it even worth it?”
I spend countless hours writing a blog. I never really stop working on it. And I have no idea if any one even reads it. Its hard, heat breaking at times. But I know I cant give up. There’s a reason I’ve been called to do this. I know there is.
We can’t give up
The fight with your mind is the biggest fight you will ever have. We can’t give up now. I know these times are hard. I know we all face hard times during the holidays.
It doesn’t help that its dark when we wake up. Its dark when we get home from work. Its cold outside. And every damn thing is shut down. It feels like the end. I’m telling you, it’s not.
This is our new beginning
When you are at the end of your rope. When gave all you have to give and you are ready to give up. Keep pushing forward. When you are ready to give up, that’s when you’ll have a break through. I know you’re tired. You’re exhausted. But keep pushing. That break though is coming. It has to.
Make some positive affirmations
Take some time and look at yourself in the mirror. Really look. Look at everything you’ve been through. Look at the heart ache, the pain, the struggles. You are a warrior! Now is not the time to give up. Tell yourself you are able. You are smart. You are worth it. Tell yourself how amazing you are every day. Because you are. I know you might not be feeling it right now. You might be feeling like a failure. Kick that negative energy out of your mind. Kick it out. Negative energy don’t pay rent. It doesn’t belong there. It has got to go, NOW.
Make time to take care of yourself
Wirth these ongoing hard times, you have to take care of you. Push yourself to get up and do what you need to do to be who you want to be. No body can do that for you. Self care is so imposrtant
Related post : “Self-care”
I’m not writing this for some sob story.
With a little push, I decided its time to get real. Uncomfortably real. Its time the world gets a glimpse at the real Kimmy Shenanigans. I’m human. I
struggle fight with bi-polar and anxiety.
And all I want out of this blog to let the world know, you are not alone. And if this message helps only one person then it was all worth it. Because we are not alone. You do not have to fight alone.
We all have hard time during the holidays. We all have hard times. Period. And that’s ok. Its totally ok to not be ok. I’m human, you’re human. While we are stuck in a world that is trying to tear us apart, it is time for us to come together.
Don’t be afraid to be real. If you are sad, say it. If you’re hurting, let some one know. Reach out. There are so many people that love you. You are so loved. And there is help. You do not have to fight alone.
If you or someone you love needs help, do not hesitate.
Here is the link to the suicide prevention lifeline
Find your why
You’re why has to be huge. When you are losing hope, your why has to be strong enough to pull you back in the game. You got this. You are a warrior, a fighter, a survivor. Don’t let anything stand in your way. You are destined to do great things. You are amaing.
Thank you for reading.
“Til next time,